I think your mind protects you and prepares you for things your heart isn’t ready to accept. Somehow, we are able to remain positive during times of stress and chaos even though it feels as if we might break at any moment.
We all want to survive the storm, and our mind allows us to carry on regardless of what our body might actually be feeling from that stress.
It’s only after the storm that we might begin to feel the pain and count the bruises and scars from the struggle we’ve endured. This is when the real healing begins.
Hurricane Ian was a strong Category 4, almost a 5. A record breaker. Infamous. How do we predict the force and power of a storm of this magnitude? It almost seems impossible. How do you get ready for something you’ve never experienced? You can try your best. You can make an attempt to protect your home and loved ones. You can gather up supplies like flashlights, candles, batteries and generators to provide light and power when the electricity goes out. You can stockpile canned foods and dried goods, toilet paper and paper towels. You could even create a way to have access to water if the water system isn’t working. You might be able to do all of these things before the storm hits, if you work hard. And, if you’re lucky, and the storm follows the predicted path and expectations, maybe you’ll be ready for it.
Except, what if the unexpected happens? The worst case scenario. How do we prepare for the unknown and face challenges we are unfamiliar with? We survive. We get back to basics. Food, shelter and safety become our only concerns. When we aren’t distracted by other wants or needs, we are able to accomplish the art of survival.
When the hurricane hit, we weren’t completely prepared. We knew about it a few days in advance, from watching the news, but we weren’t overly concerned because we had been through many hurricanes in the past and we were distracted by our daily life. Work, school and personal obligations were the priority. So, once again, we did the bare minimum to get ready.
Most folks in our neighborhood have hurricane shutters. They are installed when your house is built. When we moved into our home 7 years ago, hurricane shutters were not included. Our house is old, almost 21 years, and it would be difficult to have hurricane shutters installed at this point, so we put it out of our minds. We figured, if we needed to, we would purchase plywood to board up the windows. If a really bad storm was coming. No big deal.
I watched the hurricane shutters go up about two days before the storm’s due date. People were bringing in their patio furniture, clearing their yards, and following the usual protocol for hurricane prep. I did the same thing, but I wasn’t worried. Not yet. We had some canned food and dried goods in the pantry already, we tend to keep it well stocked. And a few jugs of water and batteries. Candles and flashlights were available. I didn’t feel the need to do anything extra at that point. My husband worked every day, my daughter attended her classes, and I followed my routine.
As the storm approached, we realized it would be a major one, and possibly one of the worst we’d ever seen in this area. Maybe even the worst in the state. I still refused to believe it. It wasn’t possible. Wasn’t it too late in the year? No, surely a hurricane of that magnitude wouldn’t hit us here. Not likely. We aren’t on the water. And so forth. And so on. And I felt that way until the final hours. I was in denial. Which quickly changed to panic as I accepted my fate and began to get real.
I had packed up my entire house before in prep for Hurricane Irma. We thought perhaps she’d be a bad one and knock out some windows or rip the roof open. I packed everything in our home and bagged clothing and possessions that might be damaged by the rain. So I started there.
We had gone in the garage for Irma and sat in our suv. We decided to do the same for Ian. Seemed like the most reasonable option. It was too late to evacuate, and, besides, we had nowhere to go. The hurricane was going up the coast, through the state. Where would we go? No where to run, no where to hide.
I grabbed a few snacks and a jug of water. We also brought emergency bags with clothing, personal care items and valuable documents like social security cards. As well as our laptops and cell phones. Our dog came in the garage with us, too. We sat still and waited. And waited. And then we watched as the storm hit. My husband had his cell phone and laptop monitoring the storm the entire time. He also had a few emergency devices like a radio available. The wind started to pick up after a few hours, and the rain. We could see on our security camera footage that things were really starting to fly around. The wind was getting very strong, and picked up any sort of debris that was in its path.
We worried about our windows and floor to ceiling sliding glass doors the most. They weren’t boarded up. By the time we knew the storm was going to be bad, stores were out of wood and gas and generators as people had scooped them up desperately. We moved furniture and things that were important to us away from the windows, but we realized that they might blow in, shattering glass all over our home. We also worried about our pool cage, which had needed to be replaced for several years or more. The screens were brittle with age, and the cage itself was rickety and rusty. My husband had read about tearing out screens to allow air or wind to flow through, and he had done that before we went into the garage.
As we had made all of these preparations and attempted to remain calm, I felt okay about things. I knew, no matter what, as long as I could keep my family safe, things would turn out alright. We could rebuild. We could clean up. We would figure everything out. No matter what happened, we had each other, and that was more than enough.
I kept my heart strong and my mind sharp as we continued to sit in our car and wait out the worst part of the storm. It was giving its all right now. The time was approximately 3 pm. We watched as the destruction continued, listening to the wind throw debris into our house. Scattering tree branches and shingles throughout the neighborhood. We had just purchased a new roof less than 6 months ago, so that was our least concern. Many people were going to have roof damage. That I was sure of. Roof damage is a serious issue because water can get in, which causes mold and mildew. Especially in Florida, with constant humidity, a roof needs to be looked after and maintained. I checked that off the list as one single thing we wouldn’t have to repair. I knew there were so many other possible damages that were out of my control.
The electricity stayed on through the storm, until the tail end, at about 4 pm. The lights cut out and it was dark. Very dark. It looked like nightfall. It wasn’t quiet, though. We could still hear the wind ripping and shredding trees and homes apart. Destroying everything in its path. I wondered how the animals kept themselves safe. Where did they go to wait out the storm? We stayed in the garage a little bit longer, with our flashlights, until the noise outside quieted down. We felt like it was safe to go inside our home now, the storm was almost done raging through our neighborhood.
When we went inside our house, we immediately looked out our windows, because they weren’t shuttered. Even though it had already been almost 4 hours since the storm began, it was still extremely windy. There was still some rain. And lots of damage. We looked around our neighborhood and saw many damaged roofs, shingles were scattered all over the ground. There were piles of various debris collecting in yards and the streets. The power lines looked okay. Trees, bushes and plants were ripped apart. There was a little bit of flooding in the fields, but not much. As we looked around, we realized how fortunate we were. And we were grateful. Our house was intact. Our windows and sliders weren’t damaged. The screening in our pool cage was shredded, but the pool cage itself was still standing. The palm trees we had planted several years ago in our backyard were okay. We were going to be okay. I breathed a sigh of relief and began bringing our stuff in from the garage. Unpacking, organizing, and waiting for the electricity to turn back on. Little did I know, the next six days were going to be some of the longest days of my life.
I called my son a couple hours later from my husband’s cell phone and let him know what happened. I knew he was worried, and I wanted to make him aware that our power was still out, and it might be difficult to get in touch with us over the next couple days. I had a feeling the electricity might take a day or two to be restored. At least. He was relieved to hear from me, and we chatted briefly about the storm, and the conditions of our city. It felt good to talk to someone outside the situation, it made me feel safer, somehow. I told him things would be okay, and that we would talk soon.
As it was nearing noon, and we are both coffee drinkers, we were craving our usual fix. I actually have caffeine withdrawals if I don’t have coffee once a day. My husband doesn’t suffer as much as I do. Unfortunately, it looked like we would have to do without. I prepared myself for the usual symptoms. First a headache, fatigue and some irritability. I grabbed a couple cherry cokes and handed my husband one, and brought my daughter an orange soda. I wanted to give everyone a little mood boost to get through the rest of the day. I also really needed the caffeine! A short while later, I prepared lunch and we continued to wait for the power and water to be restored.
The next few days were about the same. We spent most of our time waiting. Each morning, we woke up hopeful that the power and water, and maybe even the internet, would be restored. We trudged through our hours only by obligation. I think the mornings were the most difficult. Waking up to an unnaturally quiet and musty house, with an immediate feeling of disappointment because the power was still out. We had to go to great lengths to flush the toilets and wash our hands, which was extremely awkward and frustrating. I had filled the bathtub with water prior to the storm, but that had emptied out quickly because it had been so many days. Eventually, we had to go straight to the source, our water tank, to take water. We knew that would be empty soon, too. Then what would we do? We felt like we were running out of time. It had now been 4 days since the hurricane, four long days without water or power.
On Friday, two days after the storm hit, my husband had worked a 10 hour day. He had told me he’d only work for maybe 3, and that he would come back with water and canned goods. We were running out of drinking water. Between the three of us, and our dog, water didn’t last long. My husband’s boss had brought us a case of bottled water and a mini generator. He lived in Miami, and they weren’t bothered by the storm. The generator created enough power to turn on a couple appliances, but not the whole house. And it needed oil and propane. My husband said he’d get propane and oil while he was out. We had some random snacks left in the house that were enough to get through the day, and I hoped that my husband would bring home something more sustaining for my daughter and I to eat that evening.
I was also experiencing some pretty bad caffeine withdrawal symptoms. It was difficult to keep my eyes open at certain times of day, and I was extremely irritable and felt unwell. I was hopeful that my husband would bring back some coffee, too! My daughter and I got through the day as best as we could. I did some more cleaning outside, although I didn’t have a lot of energy. We read a book together, and played some board games. We also rested when we needed to, which was often. We were stressed out and anxious, and it was taking a toll on our minds and bodies. We hadn’t eaten a healthy cooked meal in days and it showed.
Just when we thought we couldn’t wait any longer, my husband appeared, a little after sunset. It was beginning to get very dark, and I had wanted to start up the generator to at least get some lights on. He had worked much longer than he thought he would, and came back empty handed. My daughter and I were very disappointed, and, in fact, I finally lost it. I lost my sense of peace and direction. I think I had held a lot of my really raw emotions inside up until that point, and everything finally overflowed. I yelled and cursed and cried. And I let myself feel the frustration and disappointment. I let myself feel overwhelmed. Out of control. Then I took a deep breath and calmed down. We had to keep going. We needed a plan for the next day. Sure, I was upset, but, I still had my daughter and home to take care of. I had my sense of direction again. Survival. Water, food and shelter were the most important things in my life right now. I didn’t have time to worry about anything else. And, honestly, I didn’t have the energy.
Our first priority for the following day, Saturday, was to check out the grocery store. It had been 4 days since the storm hit, and only a few businesses were open, because power still hadn’t been restored. We were in luck, because our grocery store was one of the few that was open. They had generators and they were allowing customers to come in during shortened hours. We got there early, and there was already a long line, but it was worth the wait. A lot of the shelves were empty. We grabbed some essentials, and some ice. I can’t tell you how great it felt and what a relief it was to go grocery shopping that day. To feel somewhat “normal” again. We came home and I made coffee in our coffee maker after my husband powered it up with the generator. We turned on a floor fan and I prepared a high protein breakfast. My husband and I had decided to drive an hour or so to Naples to visit his father. His dad’s house was okay, and he had electricity and water. We hadn’t bathed in three days, and we needed an internet connection to check in on our various devices. It was kind of exciting to be going on a mini road trip during these dark days.
We packed up clean clothing and some hygiene products and drove the short distance to Naples. Along the way, it was impossible not to notice the damage and destruction. Driving itself was chaotic, because so many of the streetlights were still without power. My husband is a cautious and careful driver, so I wasn’t too worried. Looking at the mess and the piles of debris was heartbreaking. The closer we got to Naples, the clearer the land was. There had been some wind damage and flooding near their beaches, but the city itself was fairly unscathed. I hadn’t visited my hometown in many years, as I didn’t have any close family or friends living there. My husband’s dad lived there by himself but we had been so busy with work and school that we had missed a few opportunities to see him. He had stayed at our home during Hurricane Irma, and his house had suffered a lot. Now he was helping us out and it was greatly appreciated.
My husband and I don’t ask for help. We do things on our own, or as a team, but we don’t usually reach out to family or friends when we need something. However, this was a unique situation. And, without any extended family in my life, my only family was my son who lives hours away. He had offered to have us stay with him, but it would be too difficult with our dog and my husband’s job. We were also afraid to leave the house empty for too long because of looters and theft. I hadn’t heard from anyone or contacted anyone yet besides my son because I didn’t have service on my cell phone. So I was kind of looking forward to checking my e-mail and other services to see if someone had checked in on me.
The road trip was fairly uneventful and we arrived at my husband’s father’s house just in time for lunch. While my husband and his dad ate together, my daughter and I showered and then got hooked up to the internet. We had brought our laptops with us, and she even had her trusty tablet so she could enjoy some games while we hung out there.
I logged into my e-mail and saw a lot of spam. Mostly junk, and a few e-mails from my daughter’s school. It had been 4 days, there had been a terrible storm, surely someone would have checked in? My parents hadn’t e-mailed me. I was surprised. Neither had anyone else. I was surprised and upset. And I felt very disappointed. I felt like what I was going through didn’t matter to them. It only mattered to me, because I was the one experiencing it. And I remembered that this was entirely true. It was my life, my experience, and I could act and feel how I wanted. I had the choice to turn things around. I didn’t need lots of support, just a little help. And we had that today. And it was enough.
Of course the hot showers were a blessing, and it was good to catch up too. The afternoon passed by quickly and we realized that we needed to start heading home before it got too close to sunset. I had an itchy feeling that the electricity hadn’t been restored yet. And my daughter and I were hungry. We had skipped lunch and ate a few snacks instead. After we all said goodbye and thanked my husband’s dad, I had a fun idea. I asked my husband and daughter if they’d like to have Chick-fil-A for an early dinner. They agreed. This was a special meal for so many reasons. First of all, we didn’t eat fast food or junk food. We rarely ate at restaurants. When my daughter was born 12 years ago, my husband and I had made a decision to eat healthier and have a healthier lifestyle. We were 30 at the time, and we both knew that our choices weren’t the best. They could be better. We missed going out sometimes, but it was also much more convenient to cook at home, and it saved money. This was a special occasion. A unique situation. We hadn’t been able to cook a meal in 4 days. We were craving hot food. Even warm food sounded amazing.
It was awesome. Even better, because most of the restaurants in our city were still closed due to the power outage. We enjoyed our food and continued the drive home. This particular day, Saturday, was such a gift. A total game changer. Our bellies were full and our moods were boosted. We were in good spirits, and it allowed us to think more clearly about our life at home. We all agreed that our biggest concern was water. We were using bottled water at this point for almost everything, as our main tank outside was just about empty. It was wasteful and unreliable. The bathtub had drained the day before, as it was only meant to last for a few days. We never thought our electricity would be out for so long. Or, we had hoped it wouldn’t be. My husband said he would talk to our neighbor about “borrowing” some water from their tank. They had a larger, more powerful generator, and were able to turn their water system on. We had been talking to them each day, sharing and borrowing and helping each other out. This seemed like the most promising idea.
The other concern was food. We needed more food that could sustain us. We would make another trip to the grocery store the following day, Sunday, and wait in line. When we got home on Saturday, the power and water were still out. But, we had made it through 4 days. Four very long days. We thought about the things we had accomplished, what good we had done with our time. The yard was mostly cleared and cleaned up. Minor damages to the house had been repaired. We were all exhausted in more ways than one, but we felt like life could go back to “normal” eventually. As soon as we had water and electricity, we would rebuild our daily lives. We knew that in our heart. And that kept us going. Tomorrow was an important day, because after tomorrow, my husband would be returning to work for the week.
When I woke up on Sunday morning, with the power still out, I didn’t feel like I was in the dark. I allowed myself to deeply feel all of my emotions, finally, fully, five days later. I realized how vulnerable I felt. I felt isolated. And I felt completely out of control. We had heard from different people that it could be weeks before the electricity was restored. And we wondered what our life could be like in that situation. What would we do? We could find a larger generator and do our best. We really didn’t want to leave our home, but, how could we live in it for weeks without power or water? There were a lot of questions swimming around in my head that morning. My heart ached. It was conflicting. On one hand, I was so thankful to be safe. For my family to be safe. And I was grateful that my home was mostly okay. On the other hand, I wasn’t quite sure how we would be able to manage without the basics. We couldn’t even keep fresh food in our house at the time, because we didn’t have enough power to keep our fridge going. And without the air conditioner, it was hot and humid in our house. I had been worried about mold and mildew, which I have allergies to. There were a lot of questions that hung in the air, open-ended and ominous.
I tried not to let these thoughts and questions dampen my good spirits from the day before. We drove to the store together after eating breakfast and the line wasn’t as long as it was on Saturday. We were able to purchase a few more things that we had forgotten. I made an effort to purchase foods that wouldn’t spoil quickly, and tried to think of meals I could create that didn’t require cooking. It was difficult. After shopping, we went home and I put the groceries away and cleaned up a little more around the house. I was moving slowly. We had all been moving slowly for days now because we were eating half the calories we were used to and sleeping less. We were also recovering from the emotional and physical stress of the disaster. I had to admit, it was scary. The scariest part was the unknown. We didn’t know if we were going to make it through until we got to the other side. Now that we were there, it felt somewhat surreal, and confusing. Where do we go from here? Things were okay, but they weren’t the same.
I think Sunday was the day it really sunk in. All of those negative feelings I had been bottling up in order to get through the stress of the situation. My mind and body were succumbing. As I felt the emotions wash over me, it really hurt. I was so worried, about everything. How could I pretend like things were going to be okay? Everything was a mess. I was angry with myself. I thought there was more I could be doing. More to help. I wanted to take action. Help out in the community. I felt worthless, meaningless. I had been watching the local news each day and the footage was heartbreaking. It made me feel so small. I wanted our community to be okay again. And at that point, it seemed impossible. People were working hard, but there was so much to do. So many setbacks.
We trudged through the day but of course remained hopeful for the next. Maybe Monday morning we would wake up to lights and fans and life as we knew it. We’d be waking up a little bit earlier because my husband had to work again. It was going to be a strange day. I was going to do my best and I knew when it was over, I would be another day closer to the end. No matter what happened. This wouldn’t last forever. We had made it through the storm, that was the worst part. This was just the aftermath.
Monday morning was strange indeed. Waking up in the dark and stumbling around the house seemed silly. I made coffee and sat and stared out the window. I watched and waited for the sun to come out. I wondered what I would do with this day. What good could I do? My husband left for work and eventually my daughter woke up and we ate breakfast together and talked about what we wanted to do that day. I did some light cleaning and then I sat down to rest because I wasn’t feeling well. I’ve struggled with chronic health issues for years, and they tend to come on stronger in times of stress. I had been waiting for this to happen. I had lasted so long, and I had done everything I could to keep my body healthy during this challenging time. Unfortunately, my best wasn’t good enough. In fact, I had been eating a very unhealthy diet for a week now and not getting enough sleep and I was extremely stressed. And it showed. I was sick. And I spent the whole morning feeling very ill. I showed my daughter how to use my cell phone, which didn’t have service, in case of emergency. I had no idea how I was going to make it through the day, or what I was going to do if I had some sort of emergency.
I began to get really upset. My daughter was in her bedroom, so she couldn’t see me cry, and I allowed myself. I was so tired. Drained. My mind and body were exhausted. I was at the end of my rope. And just when I thought I couldn’t last another minute, a miracle happened. A tiny miracle. The lights turned on. Fans. Power. We had electricity. I was overcome with emotion. I cried and said thank you. My daughter and I were so happy and relieved. The first thing we did was prepare a homecooked meal. It was around lunchtime. We enjoyed our food, and it was so wonderful to sit and eat a proper meal in our home again, together. We were excited for my husband to come home from work and turn the water system back on. Running water was the next step towards normalcy. What an amazing feeling it was to have our daily life back.
“It always seems impossible until it is done.” -Nelson Mandela
That evening, after my husband arrived home from work and turned the water system on, we all had hot showers in our own house. Seems like such a simple thing, but after our experience, we realized that wasn’t the case. The rug can be pulled out from under you. In fact, it will. It’s going to happen one day. A hurricane or natural disaster is fairly inevitable. And if I have learned one thing from this experience, it’s that not everything in life goes to plan. We didn’t know the hurricane was going to land on our city until the final hour. We didn’t realize how awful and devastating it would be until it happened. We didn’t know what to prep or plan for, because our minds didn’t want to go there. We didn’t want to imagine the worst case scenario. Our minds protected us from that possibility by denying the unfortunate truth. We got through the storm because we tried. We got out of bed each morning and did our best. We carried on. We kept our hearts strong, and had faith in the fact that things would be okay again. And things will be okay.
It has been a month now since I started writing this essay, and things are so much better. The clean up continues and folks are rebuilding and starting over. Many people lost everything. Their homes and livelihood. They all have stories to tell. I wish I could share them all, but I am only able to write my own. Writing about my personal experience was cathartic and allowed me to process my emotions in a healthy way. I truly hope everyone who was impacted by Hurricane Ian gets the help and support they deserve. Thank you for reading.
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